I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i think i have two assholes
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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