From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
