my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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