I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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