allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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