you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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