Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
