Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Found your dick twin last night
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
