I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
