Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
