I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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