Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
And then my night got REAL pukey
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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