Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
