i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
this just has baby written all over it
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
