Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
