even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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