Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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