The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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