Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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