I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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