woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
