Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
