we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize