after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
