Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
