We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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