So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
wow bdsm is so cute
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
