waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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