Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
