Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
