I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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