I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
pop tarts are not kleenex
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
