If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
