I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
