there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize