You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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