I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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