hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
