we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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