Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
