you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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