was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
