You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
