he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
