Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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