the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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