He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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