so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
