I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
