Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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