OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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