I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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