and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize