she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
