Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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