I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
