I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
