so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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