Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
