i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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