the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
one two three fourrrrnication!
Quick, to the slutcave!
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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