I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
