i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
she told me i tasted like america
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
